Excessive IT usage seduces us from spending precious time and energy that should go into FTF relating (4-6 HOURS/DAY ENTERTAINMENT; FAMILY ON VACATION AT COFFEE HOUSE; HUSBANDS GAMING). "In today's workplace, young people who have grown up fearing conversation show up on the job wearing earphones. Walking through a college library or the campus of a high-tech start-up, one sees the same thing: we are together, but each of us is in our own bubble, furiously connected to keyboards and tiny touch screens."
Excessive IT usage distracts us when we are relating FTF, thus making our relating much less meaningful than it could be (SMART PHONES AT BIBLE STUDIES & DURING CONVERSATIONS). "My students tell me about an important new skill: it involves maintaining eye contact with someone while you text someone else; it's hard, but it can be done . . . In conversation we (must) . . . attend to tone and nuance. In conversation, we are called upon to see things from another's point of view. Face-to-face conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. (But) when we communicate on our digital devices, we learn different habits."
Excessive IT usage encourages narcissism. Instead of being forced out of our self-focus to focus on truth and other people and nature, we often use IT to make ourselves the center of our universe (TWEET CELEBRETYISM; SOCIAL MEDIA ENVY RESEARCH). "We want to move in and out of where we are because the thing we value most is control over where we focus our attention. We have gotten used to the idea of being in a tribe of one, loyal to our own party . . . Human relationships are rich; they're messy and demanding. We have learned the habit of cleaning them up with technology. (But in) the move from conversation to connection . . . we short-change ourselves. Worse, it seems that over time we stop caring."
Excessive IT usage deceives us that we are relationally healthy when we may actually be profoundly hollow (FACEBOOK "FRIENDS;" MIDDLE-AGED MEN). "We expect more from technology and less from one another and seem increasingly drawn to technologies that provide the illusion of companionship without the demands of relationship . . . Our new devices have turned being alone into a problem that can be solved . . . But in our rush to connect, we flee from solitude, our ability to be separate and gather ourselves. We think constant connection will make us feel less lonely. The opposite is true. If we are unable to be alone, we are far more likely to be lonely."
So we need to be counter-cultural here, and choose to discerningly to limit our use of IT. But it is never enough to merely resist/flee; we must also replace/pursue. We also have to cultivate a rich FTF relational life that becomes more enjoyable than the above – or we will be sucked back into this vortex, and miss this great blessing and the opportunity to be God's light in an increasingly dark relational world (Jn. 13:34,35). How can we do this? It mainly involves two things:
We commit to frequent, regularly scheduled FTF relating (& without IT devices) – with our spouses and children, and with Christian friends and neighbors (not just "on the fly").
We commit to speak the truth to one another in love during these times – not just superficially "hanging out," but using God's truth to remind, exhort, correct and pray with one another. This leads to increasing maturity and enjoyment!
"I don't have time for this!" We always make time for what we value most, what we truly believe will fulfill us.
Read 1982 Stott quote.We see in Paul's example two ingredients of this healthy emotional concern:
On the one hand, Paul was not emotionally self-protective; he allowed his emotional life to be affected by their spiritual condition. Re-read 2:19,20; 3:5-9. Notice his distress and anguish while their spiritual welfare was in doubt. Notice his relief and joy when their spiritual welfare was confirmed by Timothy (PARENT WAITING FOR SURGEON). How different this is from the emotional self-protection that characterizes so many in our culture! This has many roots (e.g., family abuse/neglect; learned superficial niceness) – but it reaps a terrible harvest.Yet on the other hand, Paul was not co-dependent. This is the term our culture uses to describe relational idolatry – when our identity and security become dependent upon how certain people (romantic partner; children; "disciples") view us, or treat us, or how they make us look. Our emotional lives become a roller-coaster at the mercy of their choices, and we refuse to jeopardize the relationship with honesty or correction. Paul was free to care deeply for them and be emotionally affected by them while still being forthright with them (see 1 Thess. 4,5; 2 Thess. 3).
How can we move from self-protection and/or relational idolatry toward the kind of healthy emotional concern that we see in Paul? This is a huge question, and I can only give a brief outline of the Bible's answer: by trusting in God's love for us (quote 1 Jn. 4:19).
It begins by establishing a personal love relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. Only a relationship with God can meet our deepest identity and security needs, and God is accessible only through His Son Jesus who pays the debt of our sins. Have you asked God to forgive you through Jesus and become your Father?
Then we need to deepen our trust in His love, especially by focusing on His promises, and by giving thanks to Him in/for all things. As you relate to God this way, He undergirds you with His security and stability (2 Thess. 3:5,16) – no matter how other people treat you.
We also express and deepen our trust in His love by allowing Him to teach us how to love specific people in healthier ways. This involves:
Being willing to invest until we feel affection and healthy concern. We ask God to give us this heart as we spend regular time, pray for them and with them, let them interrupt our schedules, and as we resist the urge to withdraw when they hurt or disappoint us. Over time, our capacity to care deeply expands.
Being willing to set healthy boundaries and refuse to compromise the truth. We point them to God for their core needs, refuse to play Messiah, confront and discipline them when needed, and take our anxieties about them to God instead of trying to fix or control them. Over time, we learn to love people – not just to need them or be needed by them.
Conclusion
SUMMARIZE: These are keys to helping one another toward spiritual maturity. This is also the way to a truly happy life (Acts 20:35)!
NEXT WEEK: 1 Thess. 4:1-10 – "Spirituality & Sexuality" >> QUESTIONS/COMMENTS