I. Introduction
Read 4:9-12
Somehow amid the frustrations of life under the sun, Koheleth find refuge in friendship.
4:9: Two are certainly better than one when it comes to working because two workers can get more done. Even when they divide their profits, they still get a better return for their efforts than if they had worked alone.
4:10: In the ancient near east, roads and pathways were not paved nor were they level. It was no uncommon for even the most experienced traveler to stumble and fall and perhaps seriously injure themselves of fall into a hidden pit.
It would be potentially life threatening if you were alone in the situation. However, if you are traveling with a friend, he or she could help you up or out. Having a friend in that situation could be the difference between life or death.
Now, if this applies to our physical falls, how much more does it apply to those times when we stumble in our spiritual walks and need restoration.
Some Christians believe that they don’t need community to grow with God. You will hear them say, “Me and God, we have a special relationship. I don’t really need community or people to help me walk with God.”
Well, that concept seems influenced more by modern Western thinking than by Scripture. The idea that you can grow spiritually without community is a completely foreign to the Bible. For example, Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently…Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” We need fellow believers to help each other up when we stumble and fall. We need a spiritual community to bear our burdens when they seem like too much to carry on our own.
4:11: If you are camping in the late fall or early spring, it can get cold at night. Sleeping in a tent with other people adds body heat and warmth to your tent.
This was even more important in the ancient near east when you didn’t have North Face tents and technical gear to keep you warm on the side of a Himalayan Mountain. Show pic. But more importantly, companionship was even more important for safety as you traveled through rugged and dangerous Palestinian terrain.
4:12a: The New Living Translation is even more explicit on this point. “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer” (NLT). Roving marauders would target individuals traveling through the Palestinian landscape, especially at night. Two are better than one in that situation.
But three is even better. Finally, he says…
4:12b: Pastors often use this verse at weddings to teach that God is the third strand that weaves together a man a woman in marriage. Although you may apply it this way, that probably wasn’t what the Koheleth had in mind. The context suggests that he was talking probably thinking about this in purely human terms.
The modern life is an isolated life. Americans have grown more isolated each year. According to one 1990 study, less than one third of Americans said they had three or fewer close friends and three percent had “no” close friends. A similar survey in 2021 found that half of Americans had three or fewer close friends and twelve percent had no one they could confide in. It’s heartbreaking to imagine that almost 40 million people in American don’t have anyone they turn to. And this has profound health effects on our culture. Many recent studies suggest loneliness is deadly.
Studies of elderly people and social isolation concluded that those without adequate social interaction were twice as likely to die prematurely.
Increased mortality risk. According to a Harvard Medical School Publication, “One study, which examined data from more than 309,000 people, found that lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50% — an effect on mortality risk roughly comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and greater than obesity and physical inactivity.” Some people obsess over their health. They are hardcore into exercise, they are careful about what they eat, they don’t smoke. And yet, they are lonely. This study suggests that if want to live a longer life, don’t go to the gym, make some friends.
Reduces the risks of depression and anxiety disorders. Emma Seppala, PhD. Director at Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research writes, “People who feel more connected to others have lower levels of anxiety and depression. Moreover, studies show they also have higher self-esteem, greater empathy for others, are more trusting and cooperative and, as a consequence, others are more open to trusting and cooperating with them. In other words, social connectedness generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional and physical well-being.” Now, I don’t think I have to tell any of you this, but:
God created us to be relational because he’s relational. I’ve heard people say,
“You know, God needs us just as much as we need him.” Scripture flatly contradicts this view. “The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything” (Acts 17:24-25).
God doesn’t need us, yet he’s relational. How does that work? Scripture teaches that God exists as three persons having one mind and one purpose, sharing one essence. Therefore, God enjoyed love within the god-head before creation. Therefore, God doesn’t need us to be relational.
One of the great Christian thinkers of the last century, Francis Schaeffer claimed that he would’ve remained an agnostic if it wasn’t for the Trinity. Otherwise, there would be no way to explain how the Bible claims that God is an infinite-personal being and self-existent.
Therefore, since God created us in his image, he designed us to be relational (Genesis 2). When God created earth and all it contains, God said that it was good. However, we are told in Genesis 2 that the only thing “not good” about his creation was the lack of a partner for the first human. So, God created a companion for him and his creation was complete.
In the very next chapter, things fall apart. The first humans throw off God’s leadership and one of the first signs of the fall is alienation from each other and God.
Modern Challenges to Friendship: As modern Americans, we face several hurdles to building deep friendships.
Individualism: Not to be confused with individuality, which describes how we are different from one another. Unlike individuality, individualism stands in the way of us enjoying deep friendships. It tells us to rely on ourselves and to refuse help. It pushes us to pursue success and self-expansion at all costs. It says that people don’t have the right to dive into our personal matters, insisting that they should mind their own business. As a result, most Americans feel a gnawing sense of loneliness.
And yet, we yearn for the very things we resist. We long to open up with the people we push away. We look longingly upon friendships we left behind in order to pursue money or a career. And we suffer in silence because our pride blocks us from asking for help.
You can’t say, “I want close friendships” [split in ppt] and in the same breath say, “As long as it’s convenient or I feel like it.” This kind of thinking stems from are faulty view of freedom. Freedom isn’t the absence of any constraints in our lives, it’s the strategic loss of some freedoms in one area of our lives that gives us freedom in other areas.
We understand how this concept works in practical areas of our lives. (Example of sacrifice needed for training)
Yet, we somehow don’t realize the same thing applies to our relationships. By its very nature, a significant relationship requires you to restrict your freedoms for the sake of the one you love.
If you want good relationships, we must spurn extreme individualism and accept God’s design for us.
Life Transitions: Life transitions act as a furnace, either refining or consuming our friendships. Recent studies show that college-aged people spend the most time with friends, logging 10-25 hours a week with them. A college schedule gives you the flexibility to hang out with friends, from all-nighters at the library to going to house parties on campus.
But when career demands, marriage and small children enter your life, it’s no longer possible to “find time” for your friends. With a thousand things clamoring for your attention, you “make time” for what’s important.
Life transitions also test how much we value friendship. When you’re young, most of your friends live in town or go to your school. But as people move away for college or work, their network fans out. In a recent study, Andrew Ledbetter, a professor of communications at TCU conducted a study following pairs of best friends for 19 years. His research found that participants moved an average of 5.8 times after college. By year 19, very few pairs lived within 50 miles of each other with an average distance of 895 miles between friends.
Our friendship will undergo testing at certain stages of life. And if we don’t recommit ourselves to our friends and if we don’t make some sacrifices to maintain them, we’ll end up drifting.
Materialistic pursuits – One reason many modern people find themselves alone is because of long hours at work and the pursuit of wealth and achievement. The Koheleth describes this sort of person in verses 7-8 (Read 4:7-8).
Koheleth noticed a solitary man, who worked tirelessly. He discovered that the man had no relatives or partners to help him in his business, nor did he desire any help. He was so busy, he had no time for people and no time to enjoy his profits. And, if he died, he had no family to inherit his wealth. This was present in the Koheleth’s day, but it wasn’t widely common as it is today.
Many modern people place career, money, and success first in their lives. They will uproot their families, move away from close friends to pursue more lucrative job opportunities in different parts of the country. The irony is people will justify doing this because they want a job that will give their family a better life, but often that same job so occupies them that they don’t have time to spend with their family.
Or they will sacrifice the very things that will make them happy, like their friendships, to pursue something that will never make them happy like money and success.
II. Being a good friend
Here’s the thing, when you read Christian books on friendship, the key is to find the right friends. These books tell you to surround yourself with people who will love you and support you through the difficult times. However, little is spent talking about how to become a good friend to others! God is more concerned about how you treat others than how others treat you. And really becoming a great friend to others is one of the hallmarks of the Christian life.
John 15:12-13: “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Let me give you some practical advice on how to be a good friend.
Go beyond the superficial. Why is it that some of us spend lots of time with people and yet feel completely alone? It’s because we relate on a superficial level. We talk about sports, videos we’ve seen, and the weather. But the conversation never goes much deeper.
Here’s the thing, close friendships don’t just “happen.” Talking about real things doesn’t just come up naturally like in the movies or in a TV series. It’s not comfortable to talking about serious things. It’s not easy to be vulnerable. You just have to get used to the feeling of awkwardness that comes from putting yourself out there.
You would be surprised with how little you know about the people that you spend time with every single week. (Example of friends sharing struggles that
were hidden). It takes intentionality and initiative to deepen your relationships. The best way to initiate deeper conversation to ask questions.
Work at listening. The New Testament book, James tells us, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Some of us are just the opposite. Quick to speak and slow to listen. If you spend more of your time in conversations talking, that probably means you are a poor listener. Good listeners ask good questions. And asking questions communicates genuine interest in people. Meanwhile, those who talk about themselves all the time have little success building good friendships.
Speaking truth in love. Spiritual friends are willing to speak truth to one another even when it hurts. Solomon writes in other book, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6, NASB).
People in our culture hesitate to speak honestly with their friends. The widespread moral relativism in our culture has left people without a voice to declare something “wrong.” You’ll overhear people say, “If they think they’re right, who am I to say it is wrong?”
As followers of Christ, we don’t look inward to determine right from wrong. We turn to an external source for guidance, God’s written word. Scripture reveals God’s moral will to us. It bends and shapes our values to resemble God’s values. Thus, Scripture gives us the basis to speak truth in love to our friends (Ephesians 4:15).
But there’s more to speaking truth than pointing out problems. Speaking honestly includes encouraging our friends. At times, a friend will sink into despair because God uncovered a sin problem in their lives. Or they feel grief-stricken because they’re facing suffering. In each case, God calls on us to urge our friends forward, clinging to the truth.
Being a stable friend. Some of us are bad friends because we’re flaky. We bail on people because just aren’t up for it or because we double booked and are disorganized. Or we show up 30 minutes to 1 hour late. Our lack of consistency communicates a lack of care, even though that’s not our intention. Good friends show up and are there when you need them most.
Learn conflict resolution skills. (Example of relational failure before Christ and
success after). Colossians 3:13 says, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
Some of us are so immature that we expect our friends to grovel before we can forgive them. Good thing God didn’t make you grovel before he forgave you. God initiated reconciliation with you, even while you were yet enemies. So how can we refuse to forgive someone when God has forgiven us so much?
Some of us have left a wake of broken relationships because of our inability to forgive and manage conflict maturely. We either quit because it’s too hard or we hold on to bitterness and demand the other person pay for what they did.
Learn to be less self-absorbed. Some people virtually never stop thinking about themselves. When they are with other people, they either cannot stop talking about themselves or they may sit withdrawn, wondering what others think of them.
Self-absorbed people make everything about themselves. They talk to someone who is suffering and they somehow relate it to themselves and how they feel. Or they will sit and listen to you explain your problem and they will take some experience from their past that has nothing to do with what you are talking about and transpose it onto your problem.
High expectation relating. This comes out when a person is often offended or disappointed by others’ actions or lack of care or consideration for them. Such people are “hard to please” and “high maintenance” in their relationships. Make no mistake, these expectations are love demands that make this person a love taker, not a love giver.
People who place high expectations on people often can’t overlook offenses, even when they are minor. This perspective tends to be judgmental, even reading into people’s motives in a negative way.
Often a high expectations relator will complain about their friends. You may hear them describing how his feelings were hurt in a situation that didn’t seem that bad. They were just being thin-skinned.
When people believe that their relational expectations are legitimate, those expectations ruin one relationship after another. These expectations are a system of rules that nobody but the love-demander knows or accepts. Therefore, they are never satisfied with their relationships for long and they punish those who don’t follow the rules.
The only way forward for the love demander is to see that there is a better way forward. This can be difficult because the love demander believes their expectations are only reasonable.
Some of you are sitting here and you hate to admit it, but what I’m describing is not far off from what you do. First of all, there’s hope. If you have placed your faith in Jesus, then you have the influence of his Spirit in your life. That means you can change. If this is something you struggle with, study what Scripture says about love. 1 Corinthians 13 has a lot to say about this. For example, the Apostle Paul says, “Love is patient and kind…It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged” (v4-5). Spend sometime reflecting on this passage and ask God to give you insight into ways you can improve loving people.
III. Conclusion
If Solomon wrote these words at the end of his life, they represent a sad reality. Nowhere in Scripture do we see him having people who were able to confront him when he was headed in the wrong direction. There’s nothing to indicate that in the prime of his life, Solomon had prophets or trusted friends who were willing to inflict “faithful wounds.”
What a contrast to his father David. When Saul pursued David, Saul’s son, Jonathan, who happened to be Saul’s son, strengthened his faith. When David committed adultery and covered it up with murder, Nathan the prophet exposed and rebuked him. When David proudly suggested taking a census, his general, Joab rebuked his plan.
Don’t be like Solomon (1 Kings 11:6). His lack of friendships led him down the wrong path. 1 Kings 11:6 says that he did evil in the sight of the Lord because he did not follow the Lord completely like his father, David, did. He didn’t have trusted friends who spoke God’s truth to him. And that led to his downfall.
God provides amazing spiritual friendships through this community. I have known people in this church for decades. I have one friend in particular, who I have met with weekly for 20 years. He’s been a great friend to me.
Even the best of friends will let you down. And you will let your friends down.
There is a friend who will never let you down. In Proverbs, Solomon says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). The person who epitomizes this is Jesus. Jesus says, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends” (John 15:15). The God of the universe invites you to be his friend. He will pick you up when you fall, he will protect you when you feel alone.